March 14
March 14
Today I am tired, grumpy, and I know I’m not going to be able to say no to chocolate.
I know why I’m doing it. Not very long ago I had a big shake up in my social group; I’m still not sure exactly what went awry and I imagine a few other people don’t either, but I’m pretty sure it was me (it’s not you, it’s me!) …no really it probably was! Anyway so I now officially only have one reliable friend -as opposed to a million acquaintances – in this town, and even she is feeling the strain (trying to stay neutral.) So today there was a big ‘everyone-but-you-is-going-to-this-cool-thing’ sort of high school moment.
And she’s thinking ‘argh, you’re Nancy No Friends, you should go & suck it up, grovel for forgiveness, you look like a small minded dick saying no‘ and I’m thinking, I can’t do this anymore. I don’t like these people, they were bad for me and I’m lonely – but I’m not missing them.
My therapist said “Hoorah!” when I told her I had staged a walk-out of one a few months ago. She said I was just doing what I had done in my mother’s family, trying to justify shitty relationships with not nice people because I was scared of being alone & I think she is right.
So why am I about to eat myself into a stupour right now?